Death is a BITCH

Can someone explain to me why the fuck people die? Cuz honestly, it doesn't make sense to me. It's bullshit. Why is that people die when you need them the most? I'm fucking lost without you, Matt. How could you leave me? I thought we would grow old  together... I thought you would be the one I would wake up to for the rest of my life. But now, i'm not sure of anything anymore. Life is just an event that happens to you. You can't control it. All you can control is how you react to it. I think i'm failing at it, but I don't care. I don't know how else to deal with your loss other than completely shutting down. You kept me going for so long, and I couldn't keep you going. If only I had been there. I was supposed to be there. You wouldn't have died if I was. I'm so sorry for letting you down. Whenever people were in need, you were ALWAYS the person they turned to. But when you were in need, I wasn't there. I'll never forgive myself for not fighting harder to be with you that night. I love you more than anything. I would give everything I have to be with you one more time :(

Will I ever heal from this?

That is the question...
I wish I had an answer for this question, but I don't...
In 2 days it will have been 5 months since my boyfriend died...
How do you get over something like that?!
I had been dating him for a year and half, and he was absolutely everything to me.
He wasn't just my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. Anytime something was going wrong, he was the first person I would go to. But now? I have no one.
I've always been the kind of person who needs to talk about their problems in order to better understand them, and from there, figure out how to solve them.
But recently I haven't done that at all. I keep everything inside, and it just eats away at me.
I miss him so much. There wasn't one day in the past year and a half that I didn't love him every minute of the day, and the past 5 months haven't been any different. I still love him so much.
Nothings been easy for me recently. Everything that happens hurts so much worse than it normally would because I don't have him to go to...  I really don't even know what to do anymore. If this is what it's like just losing one person, it's gonna be so much harder when one day I realize everyone I loved as a kid, and in high school is dead. And honestly? That's how it's gonna be. I can't deal with that! I don't know how people do it. Loss is such a horrible feeling. I hate the sudden panic I get when I really realize he's gone... You know that moment right before you get hit by a car? The insane anxiety? That's what the last 5 months has felt like... It's horrible :( will it ever get better? Will there ever be a day when I can think of him and smile, instead of question why he's gone? I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see. =/

Post Number 1 :]

My first blog entry on this URL, and I have no idea what to write :] I guess I'll start off by telling you a little about myself. My name is Lindsey, and I'm a Senior in High School. Most of the time I'm a happy person, but just like everyone else in the world, I have my moments.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

 

This quote pretty much describes what I believe. I've been through a lot of crap in my 17 years of life, and this quote gives me a sort of hope in life.

 

My URL name is "keepmewherethelightis" because that's the lyrics to Gravity by John Mayer.

I absolutely love this song. If you haven't listened to it before, DO IT! It's so amazing :]

 

Well this is the conclusion to my post! Thanks for reading ;]

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs

^^ The link to Gravity by John Mayer ^^